This is one of the few parenting books I’ve requested that my husband read cover-to-cover.  It does deal with some specifics about discipline, more it’s more a generally philosophy of respectful child-rearing that I find solace and strength in returning to from time to time.  Pam Leo says a lot of the same things Alfie Kohn does in “Unconditional Parenting,” but in a more concise, easy-to-read way.  

Leo includes worksheets/ journaling ideas in each chapter.  I have never completed these, though I think they could be useful if you’re trying to work through childhood issues of your own.

Pros:  Great summary of a way to raise children that promotes autonomy, kindness, and real communication.

Cons:  May focus too much on self-therapy for some parents, but it’s easy to skip those sections if you wish.

Connection Parenting on Amazon.com

This book is referred to on its cover as the “parenting bible,” and in terms of communication, it is true for me.  The goal of this book is to teach you how to live and communicate respectfully with children, without using punishment or coercion.  The skills can apply to a broader audience, though: there are tips that can help you communicate more effectively and kindly with anyone.  

I plan to read more of their books.  This was an amazingly quick read and cut straight to the point.  The chapters are well-organized and it’s easy to find a particular skill to review.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to learn a new technique for communication with their children.

Pros:  Lots of tools and ideas, anecdotal information that illustrates the skills in “real-life,” clear, concise language

Cons:  None, really… except that there’s a lot of information here and it may require multiple leads to allow more of it to sink in.

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk on Amazon.com

This was recommended to me by the director at the Montessori preschool that Snuzzler will probably attend (16 months from now, yes… but these things need to be decided early when you live in San Francisco).  It discusses Montessori’s ideas for the 0-3-year-old child, and actions that parents can implement to start developing autonomy even at this early age.

There are some good, practical ideas for parents in this book, but it much of it reads like it was written in 1983 instead of 2003.  The breastfeeding section is a good example… they recommend “toughening” up your nipples prior to having your baby to make breastfeeding easier, but the La Leche League and other breastfeeding authorities no longer recommend it.  They also recommend weaning at nine months; The World Health Organization recommends breastfeeding exclusively for six month, then continuing at least one year and two years or more if possible.

The sections on sleeping, personal care, language and the developing will contain a lot of specific ideas for creating the baby’s room and teaching autonomy.  Though I may not follow these ideas to the letter, there are some general principals here that resonate with me, such as creating a simple, functional environment.  I’d also like to see if Snuzzler has any luck drinking water from a small shot glass or votive candle holder.  

I do love Montessori and I’m excited for Ivan to go to his preschool, but this book has you leaving your newborn alone more time than makes me comfortable.  They seem to advocate CIO (Crying It Out) for very young babies, and I am not comfortable with that.  However, I think Attached parents can still find useful information in this book… teaching a child to drink from a cup at nine months or put on his own socks does not interfere with Attachment Parenting theories.

Pros:  Specificity of information, doable ideas that can be implemented immediately by parents.  Ideas can be adapted to suit you and your child (even though they are so specific).  The book is very readable and well-organized.

Cons:  The entire section on breastfeeding.  Find another source for more accurate information, such as The Nursing Mother’s Companion or The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. 

Montessori From the Start on Amazon.com

I was looking forward to reading this, since it was recommended to me by numerous sources, and is quoted and recommended by Pam Leo in her wonderful book, Connection Parenting.

I can appreciate that it was an important work at the time it was published (the mid-70s), but I found it to be full of ideas ranging from unhelpful and strange to downright false.  To wit, here are the strange:

·         Pregnant women should have no stress during pregnancy

·         Women should give birth alone or with as few people around as possible.  Once the baby is born, no one should be present except for mom and baby (not even dad).  After a few hours and an optional warm bath for the baby, mom should continue her normal daily routine

·         Dad should not be a primary influence on the child until age seven, since this will impede the child from bonding fully with the primary matrix (mom)

·         Children should be discouraged from reading until at least age 11; otherwise, they are likely to become prematurely sexualized (as with many of his more outrageous claims, he doesn’t provide any real information to back this up.  He claims that Scandinavian women started menstruating at 17, then 100 years later (post-literacy), the age changed to 14.  For Mediterranean women, the age of menstruation changed from 14 to 11.  He never shows how this has any correlation to literacy whatsoever).

And the false:

·         After a chapter documenting the effects of neglect on institutionalized children, he claims that mental retardation is usually caused by a lack of intellectual stimulation.  While it is true that children who are not intellectually stimulated as infants can indeed become mentally retarded, it is by no means the “usual” cause of the disease.  The three main causes of mental retardation are Down syndrome, fetal alcohol syndrome and fragile X (described on FRAXA.org  as “the most common inherited cause of mental impairment and the most common known genetic cause of autism.”  Perhaps research in the 1970s showed otherwise, and that is where he got that information.  We’ll never know, however, since he does not document or verify this statement.

·         He claims that autism is caused by the child’s failure to bond with the mother matrix.  This is the old “refrigerator mother” theory, first popularized in 1943 by Leo Kanner.  Again, while there is some truth to the statement (neglected and abused children can become autistic), it is not only false but insulting to insinuate that poor maternal bonding is to blame for all cases of autism.  This simply is not true.

Despite all of this, I think that we need people with extremist views such as Pearce’s.  If nothing else, you get the idea from reading this book that bonding is extremely important, and that neglect can lead to serious mental issues in children.  That may be enough to validate reading the book—it may not.  Frankly, I would not recommend it.  There are lots of books about the benefits of attachment parenting (the parenting theory most similar to what Pearce is advocating) which are easier to read and provide more practical instances for parents to adopt and apply.   

Pros:  Makes you think about subjects you may not have thought about before, such as the best time to work on your child’s telepathic skills.  I’m not sure from reading the book how that makes you or your child any more fulfilled, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

Cons:  The clunkiness of the writing, the amount of tangential information about psychic phenomenon, the misinformation about mental retardation and autism.

Magical Child on Amazon.com

This is my go-to book for all infant and toddler-care matters.   I love Ms.  Leach’s writing style:  Direct, pro-child, often funny.   Her writing is clear and concise and always, always promotes love and respect for the child. 

She covers every topic a new, inexperienced parent needs to know, such as diapering, feeding, sleeping, teething, bonding and daily life with an infant and toddler.  She also provides ideas for games and more complicated toddler issues, such as introducing a new baby into the household. 

I keep this book handy and available and recommend it to everyone.

Pros: Child-centric,  direct advice.

Cons: The index doesn’t actually reference everything that is actually in the book, such as the Parent Question pages scattered throughout the book.  If you find something in those you want to find again later, you should bookmark it, or you’ll have to resort to scanning.

Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five  on Amazon.com.

If you’re wondering whether to talk to, pick up or cuddle your baby, this is the book for you! Seriously, I have no idea for whom this book might be useful. Some of the “games” in the 12-18-month-old section include cuddling your baby and giving him/her a toy to play with while you change his/her diaper.   Are there really parents out there who would not think of doing those things?  It’s actually a little scary. 

Apparently there are a series of these by the same author, for different age groups.  I will not be reading those.  Don’t even bother checking this one out from the library… it’s that useless.

Pros:  Nice photography?  I can’t think of much else.

Cons:  All of it. 

Excellent resource not only for age-and situation-specific baby activities, but also great ideas for family-related activities to do when baby is napping (as if you didn’t already have enough to do– still). Much better than many of the other “baby games” books out there.

Pros:  Lots of ideas covering a large scope of interests.

Cons: Like a lot of baby game books, tends to skew a little older.  Don’t be alarmed if your baby/ toddler is only ready for activities designated in the book as being for a child younger than he is. 

Baby Days  on Amazon.com.

Oh, how I love this book.    It is well-written, well-organized, and answers just about any breastfeeding question you may have. 

The book is organized by age, with “Survival Guide” chapters for each that make it very easy to find information.  The non-Survival-Guide sections offer more detailed information on subjects like traveling, pumping, nursing children with special needs and calculations to help ensure that your baby is getting the amount of milk he needs.

Ms. Huggins writes with a clean, easy-to-read style.  She forgoes the flowery, earth-mothery prose that is so common in books about breastfeeding.   There is nothing wrong with passionate paragraphs espousing the joys of breastfeeding, but it’s nice not to have to sift through it all when what you really want is an answer to your question.

Pros:  All of it.  If I were to make a required reading list for new mothers, this would lead the pack.

Cons:  I should have read it while I was still pregnant instead of waiting until I actually needed it.  But I guess I can’t blame the book for that.

The Nursing Mother’s Companion  on Amazon.com.

This is a nice collection of games, divided by age and then by category (Word Play, Water Play, Art, Movement, etc.).  As with many of books in the baby-game oeuvre, this tend to skew a little older, so an actual 12-month old may not be able to do or understand many of the games listed in the 12-to-15-month-old chapter.  That’s no problem, though… just go a chapter down!  Psychologically this is tough on parents, though, who might start to question their child’s developmental capabilities. 

This is one that I definitely plan to buy, as the games and songs actually seem fun and the reference goes up to three years– though I’m sure many of the games could be played and used for a much longer time. 

Pros:  Lots of good ideas that are both baby- and parent-friendly, most of which are inexpensive or free.  She provides ideas for keeping things open and adaptable.  I see a lot of Montessori-themed play in here.

Cons:  No music listed for the songs.  That would be helpful to have.  She does list song origins, though, and that is nice.  Some of her ideas are a little old-school, but those parts can be skipped or modified to suit your parenting philosophy.

The Baby Games: The Joyful Guide to Child’s Play from Birth to Three Years  on Amazon.com.

This is a nice starting point for anyone who is considering Unschooling their child.  It contains lots of anecdotal information from parents, and lots of practical information about how to comply with state guidelines and how to document (when you have to).

I expected the writing to be a little pedantic, but it wasn’t at all.  This book does a nice job of demystifying Unschooling without overly glamorizing it. 

Pros:  Cleanly written, provides a straightforward outline of the basic concepts of Unschooling and how to start Unschooling your child.

Cons:  I would have liked more comments from the Unschooled children themselves, and definitely some more information about Unschooled alumni– what happens to them in college, or as job-seekers?  How is their socialization; are they able to connect with their schooled peers?

 The Unschooling Handbook  on Amazon.com.